Captain Howdy Strikes Back!!!: 2017 Summer Movie Preview Part I

Rising from the ashes, like a blazing phoenix during the blackest night, The Captain returns to deliver exactly what this world needs most… HOPE! Hope for an amazing summer movie season which unfortunately is probably our last. Yes, yes, thank you. You can all sit down now, and let’s get to it.

As is tradition, I give you my weekly picks for what you absolutely must see at the summer multiplex.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 (May 5th)
The summer begins with a bang (hopefully not of the mushroom cloud type) and a baby Groot. Arguably Marvel’s most pleasant surprise during it’s incredible run of hit films was 2014’s ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ which launched the now supernova career of Chris Pratt (it’s hard to remember when he wasn’t famous) and introduced us to a fiery raccoon, a Green Goddess, and a tree that says only one word. No one knew how that was all going to play out. Surprise!… it was totally awesome and now the gang is back for another highly-anticipated adventure. It’s getting amazing early buzz! Yep, I’m feeling that sweet, sweet summer vibe already.

Snatched (May 12)
I’m going with the Goldie Hawn/Amy Schumer, mother/daughter road trip abduction comedy because well, mostly Guy Ritchie’s “reimagining” of King Arthur looks like terd-a-palooza. Plus, I want to throw some love to the ladies of comedy before the testosterone gets too thick up in here.

Alien: Covenant (May 19th)
This is the 6th film in the Alien franchise if you exclude the two awful ‘Alien vs. Predator’ films (which we will). 2012’s ‘Prometheus’ was a divisive film. Often more of a meditation on the origins of man than the monster horror freak-out of its predecessors, I’m nevertheless drawn to its stylish visuals and ‘what does it all mean’ questioning. ‘Covenant’ is its temporal sequel but appears to be a return to the stuff of xenomorphic nightmares. Enjoy!

Baywatch (May 26th)
There may be no movie I am more excited about seeing this summer than Baywatch. I can’t even verbalize why, other than to say I know I’ll love it and Mrs. Howdy will probably love it even more. Beaches, hot bods, action, and raunchy comedy. It’s like all those bad summer sex comedies of my youth that I couldn’t get enough of in the 80’s. So bad, but oh so good.

Bonus Movie! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
If bikinis and biceps aren’t your thing or you’d prefer more family friendly fare this weekend, everyone’s favorite pirate is back for another adventure. Let’s hope it’s a return to his spooky and irreverent fun-loving roots.

Wonder Woman (June 2nd)
Let’s be very honest with each other. The post Christopher Nolan D.C. universe has ranged between barely watchable (Man of Steel) to downright eye gouging (Batman vs. Superman). For all the talk about how it’s 2017 and we have yet to have a female superhero lead in a film, how awesome would it be if it’s Wonder Woman that saves D.C.’s ass? Will this be an icon for the next generation or another D.C. disaster? I’m once again, rooting for the woman and the wonder in this battle.

The Mummy (June 9th)
For all you classic horror fans out there (oh, is it just me then?), the best of the best is Universal Studio’s original monster movies. Dracula, Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Mummy built not only a movie studio but laid the groundwork for an entire genre of film, the genre that my heart holds so dear. So, it’s no surprise that Universal has been hoping to open the crypt (see what I did there? Haven’t lost a single step in retirement) and give these classic villains new “life” for another generation of movie-goers. The idea is to create a monster universe of interconnected tales of the original creature features. The dream begins with Tom Cruise’s ‘The Mummy.’ Seemingly rich in action (what Mr. Cruise does best), let’s hope this equally delivers on scares.

All Eyez on Me (June 16th)
Yep, The Captain (and all his faithful readers) are old. They are officially making dramatic biopics of the artists we grew up with. Last year’s ‘Straight Outta Compton’ was remarkable and the true and tragic tale of Tupac should push the drama needle to 11. Let’s take ourselves back to the early 1990’s when all many of us had to worry about was explicit music lyrics. Ah, the good ol’ days.

Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23rd)
Speaking of nostalgia for bygone eras of carefree living. Transformers takes me all the way back to when my only worry was if there were enough fruity pebbles left to make it through Saturday morning cartoons. Man I wish these movies were better than they actually are (and that I could still eat nothing but fruity pebbles and not die).

For the Adults: The House (June 30th)
Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler start an in-home underground casino to pay for their kid’s college. It’s ‘Old School’ meets your 529 plan. Let’s hope it’s a little more ‘Step Brothers’ and a lot less ‘Sisters.’

For the Kids: Despicable Me 3 (June 30th)
If you are forced to see this because little munchkins live in your house, then you don’t need me to tell you why. You already know.

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